Tony Channels Donald Trump

Listening to Donald Trump's "on the nose" denials of a quid pro quo in his phone call with Gordon Sondland the other day, I couldn't help imagining a similar kind of exchange...

A phone rings. Tony Soprano picks up.

“Hey Tony, it’s Paulie. Listen, you were talking about Lefty Caputo the other day.”

“You mean my long-time friend Johnny Caputo, who, out of a no doubt sincere, but badly misguided sense of civic duty decided to tell the FBI some very exaggerated stories about our past dealings, completely out of context I might add. And thereby misled the dedicated public servants at the Bureau into wasting tax payer money on unfounded, not to mention unfair, investigations of my business and personal life.”

“Yeah, that guy. What do you want to do with him?”

Tony sighs heavily. “Nothing. I don’t want to have nothing to do with him. In light of his unexpected recent actions, causing me considerable unnecessary legal expense and harm to my reputation, I feel our friendship has ended. I have decided to put him completely out of my mind.”

“So he’s dead to you?”

“I didn’t say that. I did not say that. No. Look, what I’m saying is...though I wish we could have parted on, ah, better terms and I am saddened by this, ah, turn of events, I wish nothing but the best for Lefty and hope he will have a long and prosperous life.”

“Okay, I understand. Like you always say, a peaceful life is the least anyone deserves.”

“That’s right, Paulie. And, as you know, it is a sick indictment of the society we live in that not everyone enjoys that luxury. Even the most innocent citizens are sometimes the victims of senseless, horrific violence. For no reason. A real shame. Needless to say, despite our differences, I would never wish anything of the kind for Lefty. Or his family. Not even his dog.”

“Got it. Yes, and I agree. I too hope the best for Lefty in his future endeavors, and I wish him a prosperous and long life. A long life.”

“Yes. And peaceful. Very peaceful. Okay, Paulie, I gotta go. See you on Sunday...in church.”

“Church? Oh, yeah, yeah, church. Got it. Bye, Tony.”